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Divorce parents (or separation for couples who are cohabiting) is for any child with a major event he has not chosen to live, which is imposed by her parents. The latter therefore have a duty to ensure that the child suffers the least possible. Yet this is not always easy to do because they themselves live a very stressful time in their adult life. But despite all the upheaval, however, all the vicissitudes, they must have the aim of safeguarding their children up so as not to disturb his mental development.
This article aims to help those who experience this event to see things a little clearer.
The days preceding the divorce
Divorce is almost always preceded by warning signs: quarrels increasingly frequent criticism, recriminations, threats, insults and even violence often characterize the family atmosphere that reigns in the home before the final decision.
course, we must ensure that the child does not witness these fights but despite the best efforts of each other, the child will be affected by this poisonous atmosphere.
Trying to hide something is wrong with the couple would be sheer hypocrisy that would increase his discomfort. It is therefore necessary to explain with simple words that his mum and dad were much loved but now that they have trouble living together.
The reassurance by explaining that, whatever happens, parents will always be his parents. It is not divorce but he who are his parents. The divorce must remain a matter between adults is set and you have to keep absolutely to mix children. Otherwise, the child will feel guilty for having sided with one or the other. It is not for him either to give opinion on a possible divorce. And asked if he was, he would lose his place as a child would not be without pity for his mental health.
So try our best to keep the child away from repetitive arguments followed by reconciliations, which would give the fleeting image of a scary unpredictable family atmosphere. Explain just what is the current situation by insisting on the fact that they are stories of adult and that he had no part in the conflicts between her parents.
Changing places, changing lifestyles:
Changing places, changing lifestyles:
Divorce
once established, most often, the child will have his habitual residence in one of the parents and go live with the other parent a weekend in two and a holiday party.
More rarely, the child may be at one or alternatively in the other.
Whatever the chosen solution is a significant change in the temporal and spatial cues. For everything goes well, parents should help children navigate these changes.
once established, most often, the child will have his habitual residence in one of the parents and go live with the other parent a weekend in two and a holiday party.
More rarely, the child may be at one or alternatively in the other.
Whatever the chosen solution is a significant change in the temporal and spatial cues. For everything goes well, parents should help children navigate these changes.
See him in a benevolent mood, in a diary or calendar, days, weeks, weekends, where he will visit one or in the other. With younger children, use a color code for example.
In its new space, make him see the new house, new apartment, do participate in the arrangement of personal space in his room. Choice of tapestries, furniture arrangement, buy one or two accessories that will help him capture his new home.
him to discover the new neighborhood or new town while shopping or sightseeing. Much talk with the child on this occasion, help to express what he feels.
Explain the trip by plane, train, car. Show map of route. Show reunion as a celebration. Reassurance at the time of separation: "You left me but to find your mom (or dad), we shall meet again soon and then you will have lots to tell me."
Wherever possible, ensure that the divorce does not change schools. If this is not possible, try to postpone the change of school, college or high school until the next school year.
Communication between parents
In this co-parenting, parents should be demanding of themselves. The child, the better to spot in his new life, needs discipline, punctuality, which are evidence of love for him. If is a change in the rhythm of alternating custody, it must be explained to the child in words that suit her age.
Communicate, that means talking about everything concerning the child, his life as a little schoolboy, his health, his friends, his games . Talk together, exchange views when decisions affecting the future: education policy decision, choice of career paths ... etc.
Communicate with the former spouse to better keep in touch with the paternal grandparents and maternal . If they were wise not to over take sides in a divorce, it can be quite easy. Otherwise, encourage all reconciliations that may occur when exceptional events eg Christmas, birthdays etc ...
communication with the child:
The child must be able to speak freely about his new life. It must be able to trust their parents who will not use his speech to make him speak ill of one or the other.
It is not for him to choose what suits him or that does not suit this choice would create guilt. This does not stop to consult when making certain decisions. But do not hesitate to explain that it is parents who decide, or the family court when necessary.
That will change when the child grows up and becomes a teenager. In this case, he may express their preferences more easily than their parents did not have used as a stake in their relationship. Also allow the adolescent to reversals, changes of opinion which are the result of any teenager. But even during adolescence, the adult should accompany young in his choices, if necessary, be directive in justifying the appropriateness of such a decision.
For that word is possible, the parent should absolutely refrain from any criticism of her ex-husband, at least in the presence of the child, but never forget that children have the ears "hang".
It will also make an effort to make the links between the child and both parents are part of a context of complementarity rather than rivalry. Each brings something different but for the child. All the better if lifestyles are different from both else, the child may live and different experiences, but, cons, educational activities for both parents will have to join for everything related to core values: respect for self, respect for each other.
Ban at all cost accounts apothecary who maintain a climate of suspicion, aggression that may be suitable for the development of a child. Whether for financial accounts or accounts related to time spent in one or in the other. Except in cases of judicial decisions that must be strictly observed.
If a dispute arises lifestyle that the child lives with the other parent, the easier it is to explain the ex-spouse outside the presence of the child. Recourse to justice should be considered only when dialogue is possible.
If one parent is concerned and believes that this lifestyle presents a danger to his child, he must obviously, if his remarks are of no effect with her ex-husband, to refer to justice, but the child must remain at maximum out of these clashes, the most common adverse consequences for the psychological development of children.
course the child must stay out of all the events that revolve around the payment of alimony. While these financial concerns are a real concern, the child must be absolutely kept out of it.
refrain from using the child as an informer of the new life of the former spouse. If he has rebuilt a couple with a new spouse, if there are new children in that home, the child will speak spontaneously or not say anything. He has to decide if he wants to talk to you or not.
Sometimes, concerns have spilled over into adult life of the child that reacts to the divorce. Behavioral problems may arise, the academic can drop suddenly.
Despite the best efforts of everyone, it can also happen that the child has some difficulty adjusting to his new life, he feels guilty for the separation of her parents.
So it will perhaps consider the consultation from a child psychiatrist or a specialist center ( PPC or CPM). which will help him through this difficult time.
You Similarly, you may need to be listening when you feel overwhelmed (e) problems that are too heavy to bear.
Finally, to keep on course, you should bear in mind that, except in extreme cases of abusive parent, anything that will help keep your child's links with the other parent the will grow.
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